Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
with regards, The Management
Ladies and Gentlemen,
We regret to inform you that after two years of the most (velied) personal confessions, pleas for help, poetic agony,
and random announcements, xstillbornx industries has finally gone artistically, and emotionally bankrupt.
This journal will be a ghost town,
until i finally buckle down and back all of it up; at which time, it will completely vanish.
effectively rendering a big part of the last two years nonexistant.
Kind of weird to think of the creature that this LJ must be. The form it took and space it holds.
Once it's gone will it have ever happened?
I've talked with quite a few of you, become good friends with some of you, fuck, i've even had sex and love with a few of you (sorry erik, our secret's out :) ).
Lame as it is, and as much as i resisted for so long, this thing's really become an extension of me.
One of the only places anyone can look and see, for the most part, what i'm really thinking and going through.
It kind of makes me sad to let it go.
..but not really.
There's too much drama here, too many people i know that i'm not sure i want reading this much of me, and too many that i do that can't because lately
i have to protect any entry i make due to content.
Thanks for being here with me vicariously. Some of the comments i've gotten mean the world to me.
I'll miss some of you.
--could it be that i'm only being me?
I wish that I could disappear. Unzip my skin and leave it here.
my chest feels hollow all the sudden.
funny how in the right state of mind it's so easy to bring it all back.
a faint smell of lilac as my car screams down the freeway
gas light on, 20 miles to go.
a sideward glance on an empty road.
a little fucking scrap, torn from a notebook so long ago
like an old bomb unexploded after so many years
so many wars
just waiting to burst on its surprised discoverer.
funny how fourteen characters can bring the world crashing down.
i don't think i've done this before, but i found the original lyrics to a song i was working on..if i already posted this long ago and have forgotten, my apologies.
but i thought those familiar with the song might find this interesting.
i don't know where we're all going soon.
our structure intertwining - then pushing me from you -
farther - elegantly stray.
we're weaving fateful thread, we follow courses due -
delicately slipping, immersed in poison truth
and there's nothing left to do
watch me die, die for you
feel me in your memory despair
longing for a second sensual air
scream goodbye ignore heard for them
clench, release, a touch, a breaking hymn
careful please, not much further i can bend.
and i feel you, part of me.
sinking in the evernothing
dreaming with you; listen:
borne away -
fall away -
i'll falter and destroy this nightmare too (two?)
the thing that's dying, the thing i have to do
listen - shy away
conceal my meaning lock it up inside
lucidly screaming - why this pain and why goodbye?
[we]dance alone in shadow despair
nothing certain, nothing. Knowledge shown
fateful burden, tired mind alone -
--You don't know what you've put me through. That's okay, I've forgiven you. But in some way, hope it fucks with you
i don't have anything.
--suddenly i can see everything that's wrong with me. what can i do i'm the only thing i really have at all.
Mood: seeing double
see your face to start my day makes all my bad dreams go away
strange how things can sometimes make an abrupt about-face.
and a nosedive can level out
leaving this passenger shaken and confused, but still breathing.
so much can change so quickly.
the head can go from severe depression to a state of calmness
zen-like, in a way.
with the trivial hurts of everyday life,
but a passiveness towards it all.
sometimes someone or something can alter your perspective so much that
it's hard to even think about all the other things.
today's a passable day.
vegas again this weekend with my trusty sidekick seleniumdream, who will be much as a seeing eye dog
is to a blind man when i'm so trashed i can't stand anymore.
we have a free room at the venetian.
vegan gelato and hookah lounge here i come.
i know a few people who are going down there at the same time as well..hopefully some of them call me.
and while i'm gone i find myself already thinking how i'll miss seeing those big eyes looking up at me, and hearing her gleeful voice,
which always brings me a smile. feeling the warmth as i try to fall asleep...
next sunday is dark arts...
possibly our last show with the eriik on lower sonic registers.
a sad thing, but what might actually turn out to be a good change to set things in true motion.
no good at writing non-depressing shit.
so i'm done for now.
--these are my words
--that i've never said before
--i think i'm doing okay
--and this is the smile
--that i've never shown before
--somebody shake me 'cause i...i must be sleeping
OH GOD, A SURVEY!
...fuck you guys..i thought it was kind of cool.
stolen from the mu_beta
Type your username with your:
nose: xstillbornx - damned nosering almost killed this one
tongue: xstillbornx - i think my tongue's pregnant now
chin: xzswt65iul...fuck this
feet: xcsdtgikllbnoltrfjknmfg - would have rocked this one if it wasn't for my dumb socks
eyes closed and one finger: xstillvornx
back of my hand: xstollbornjxd
palm: xstghjkllbn orf4n x
DARK ARTS FUNDRAISER:
featuring (in order)
Six Foot Audio
Dv8 (main stage as far as we know...if we're not there, check the basement.
doors open at 7 and it's $6 for the show.
all bands will be playing between 30-40 minute sets except domiana, who is headlining.
come check out the show, and join us for drinks at the crazy goat inbetween sets. :)
*****update: six foot audio cancelled, so i'm assuming we're the opening act now. if you were planning on seeing us, it might be wise to be sure you're there at a decent time (even though out of respect you should have planned that anyway. :) )
and i think to myself, what a wonderful world.
i need the free time. i need to get away.
one american civilian beheaded in iraq.
a great outcry, definitely a tragedy.
makes me wonder how many iraqi civilians we've killed by this point in the war?
anyway, i'm gone for the weekend.
thanks to those of you who've made this week far more than bearable. my band, my friends, some interesting random people.
you are the glue that holds this birdhouse together.
Before this 'war' in iraq began i had many debates with friends about it.
I was, it seemed, the only one of my tribe to oppose the idea. I didn't think we belonged there, i saw and still see no justification for it.
I posted about some of the arguments a long time ago, but i'm too lazy to go back and reference them.
One of the main points of contention with my belief (and this was repeated like a mantra by everyone around) was that 'saddam tortures and murders his own people'.
Here we are one year after the official 'end' of the war, and fighting is still taking place. Now reports are coming out of american torture of iraqi prisoners.
America has ousted the leader of a country who posed no real threat to us. We've killed more civilians than you'll ever read, and now we're torturing their people.
there have also been reports of death by blunt trauma during interrogation at guantanomo.
It's a good thing for those iraqis we stepped in and saved them from their murderous, torturous leader...so we could take charge and do it in a more efficient manner.
It's here i have to digress, and clarify something:
I don't believe in war. I don't support violence to achive false causes. I fully support open and demorcratic relationships with all other countries, regardless of whether they share the same skin color, religion, or political views as us.
That being said, i'm also of the opinion that war is hell, and war is total. I don't believe in 'rules' in war.
Call me Sherman, but i just don't understand having restrictions on how you can destroy someone or something when it's an all out battle.
If you are my enemy, and trying to kill me, i'm going to use whatever means necessary to outfight you, and if it's a life or death situation, i'm not going to stop to think 'maybe we should take some hostages' or, that being done, 'maybe we should be civil to these people who were just shooting at us'
I can't fathom that.
But as it is, there are rules; strict sets of international laws that dictate how wars must be fought, and how captured soldiers must be treated.
As such, I believe that if we're going to use those laws to go to war with a country (see: weapons of mass destruction...it's too bad we haven't seen them yet), then we need to obey said rules.
On that note, and i've said this many times before, i think that the rationalization of going to war because saddam was 'developing weapons of mass destruction' is bullshit since as americans, we're the only country to have ever used nuclear weapons on other people.
So we keep murdering and keep torturing. Suddenly, now that someone's called us on the abuse of prisoners, the government is acting like it was nothing but a bunch of rogue soldiers occupying the prison.
I find this hard to believe. I've never been in the military, and unless i decide to enlist so i can experience the horror of war, i never will be, but i have a basic understanding of how it works.
These 'rogues' are US and british trained soldiers. They've all been through the training and the mechanization. They all respond to a higher authority.
That's just how it works.
So how is it that a whole group of them, who are still supposedly under our control and jurisdiction, and in contact manage to do something like this?
It's my opinion that now, not only are we illegaly torturing POW's, but we're selling out our own people who most likely were just doing what they'd been programmed and ordered to do.
The whole situation's been making me nauseous for quite some time now.
I can only hope that everyone else will wake up too, and that maybe it's not too late to do something to stop the horror we're inflicting on these people.
i am the ripper man, a locomotion mind love american style
wake up, concerned over a missed message and unanswered call.
drive to work.
smoking, 30 minutes in and find my stereo's been ripped.
find who did it and confront him.
start seeing red, feeling dangerous things and walk away to find security
saving the man from waking in the hospital and myself from jail and being fired.
call the police
stop and see a friend who only cares to see me for the 'gift' i bring him.
stop and see another friend who can't seem to find happiness lately. it saddens me.
leave for home...i want nothing more than to hit my bed and curl up under the sheets.
but i hit a two hour traffic jam on the freeway.
with no music all i'm left with is my head.
and i slowly drive.
home, invited to a gathering of friends. can't handle the thought of people and duck out.
invited to a show with someone i haven't seen or talked to in a while.
can't go...people, life...
decide to try the safe haven of my coffee shop but as soon as i open the door i realize i've made a mistake.
order my coffee and leave quickly.
home....forcing myself to write...
nothing works, nothing computes
all is merely mush on the slide down.
escape to read more genet. more depressing french craziness
on edge simmering in the lights flicker
alone with the bitter taste of coffee, nicotine, and defeat on my lips
and the sound of the deftones hissing through the diminishing canals.
--i am the nexus one
--i want more life
--fucker i ain't done - yeah
pinback was awesome.
i don't know if i've ever seen a more technically proficient band play. their bassist blew my mind...i spent most of the show watching his fingers.
thanks for the ticket chris, i had a good night, and it was good to finally meet you. it's much appreciated.
now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go attempt to catch up for not sleeping at all last night.
i have a feeling my body might shut down before i make it all five steps to my bed.
...guess we'll find out in the morning.
i'm amazed to find myself here,
shirtless before the terminal,
naked before the world,
and feel only warmth.
when a hand is absentmindedly pressed to a sinking face it is a rush of ice against poetry.
and as always the hand belongs to me, but doesn't feel attached.
slowly think over the past few weeks, for nothing is rushed tonight.
nothing is touched.
the events should make me want to cry
to tear at these veins, finally becoming visible through receding flesh.
i almost want to,
but all i can manage is to be.
to sit and feel my skin crawl
hairs ebbing and waving.
i hate what's going on right now.
but my heart is peaceful, still.
i am the calm little center of the world for just this moment.
i can let it all fade away tonight.
because i have good conversation,
a good feeling,
isis' beauty to soothe me with its violence
a half smile creeping along the lines of my face
can't explain it.
i should be lost, full of confusion.
and i am, somewhere inside here.
but not here
and so i'll leave it at that for tonight.
because this needs to never change.
i took you home, set you on the glass. i pulled off your wings, and i laughed.
snakebite in three by this hour.
a rapid succession of blistering skin. stinging.
and so fall and dissipate charred embers like scratches on a movie reel.
and i failed
the cool hand drops its bounty
picks it up and calmly replaces its desire.
ponders for a moment.
sees a page
in its mind
and i read it, and he comprehends
what it means, and what never happens.
a blank scene inserted here for effect
i cough, because i smoke too much, because i stress too much, because i think too much, and escape too fucking much.
think back to a man, a teacher
whose lessons i never quite bought.
think back to a girl i loved
who destroyed me much more than i destroyed you.
who has time to smile anymore?
to sink your delicate teeth in.
scratch with glass on separating cells
and you will find no resistance.
only giving, uncomprehending
and every time feeling a little less
not functional enough tonight to weild such great sorrow
and so i try to care more than passively
and shrug when i fail.
...So just let me go
because i gave up on you a long time ago.
and i fall
how it always is
and always will be.
not sure what you expected.
surprised when i get what i expected.
because it's getting tiring being right all the time.
and hearing the same fucking thing
over and over.
i sing my farewell to a deaf crowd and leap into the melee
i hold no interest in any of it now.
held none before, but for the flame consuming down to the expectant fingers
and once it's burned and extinguished
you begin to think it's you that's been written about
and thrown from
but save self-flattery for other days.
because what is intended for some is not for others
and life is but a dangerous dream.
embellishing bloodflow with embolism;
a dirty clot
you've lost that man.
and this one
and there's no way to find your way back to him.
--so go get your knife and come in
--so go get your knife and lay down
--so go get your knife now kiss me
can't imagine why...
Laughing is easy, I would if I could
tonight the urge is to simply run away from everything that surrounds me.
--Ain't gonna worry
--Just live till you die and drown
--With no where to fall into the arms of someone
--There's nothing to save and I know
--You live till you die
I'll tell you what, I'd get up If I knew I fell
in the rain i am comfortable.
i cast my sinking eyes skyward to gather nourishment.
in the rain the locomotion of my depression almost seems passable.
and today nobody will tell me to 'cheer up' or 'change' my mindset,
because most everyone feels the gloom of the passing day.
it's a day for eyeliner, soup, disintegration, coffee, smoking.
a day to disappear inside oblivion and let all things simply be.
--It's so hard to win when there's so much to lose
magic smell of dirt.
incense, mango and other earthy smells fill these rooms.
a mystic night, if not for the sickness making the skin crawl and the mind retreat.
i feel it slipping...i feel it slipping away.
the sun glimmers off the edge and reflects straight into my eye.
through the iris and into the pitch.
the brain struggles to comprehend the worth,
the weight of it all when projected on pitted backgrounds.
it can't help but be seen, amongst the infinity.
the ether, nothingness, void, whatever.
today i can't get over the thought that mathematically we don't even exist.
nothing more than a twitch in the string of the fabric that makes up the everything.
this face too ugly,
too sweaty, unshaven.
to ever find what it really needs.
this face left behind in a hesitant moment.
seeking a literal assumption.
attached to a parasite.
my tiny blip disappears from the radar
it's time to lie low.
avoid the panic and the stress, the drama.
just cease to fight for any of the things that have seemed to matter so much all this time.
throw the blanket over it when it becomes too heavy.
sink under the current and hold still as can be.
..just for a few days.
until the line goes flat.
and the linen sheet absorbs the fluid
and the world heaves a sigh of relief.
--washing away, he thinks of you
--everything slows, lights flashing through.
let the weight of the world drift away instead.
damn you erik!
damn you damn you damn you!
since the first time i heard him, i've taken immense satisfaction in the fact that i can't stand beck.
i figured i means i have pretty good taste in music, because who with taste likes beck?
but man, i finally broke down and burned sea change after months and months of ignoring it in my mp3 folder.
what a really fucking good album. i'm blown away.
it's like old country, gordon lightfoot, toad, and a little bit of the dead.
all, kind of guilty pleasures of mine.
it's the beauty i needed this afternoon to survive it.
sometimes i watch movies with no sound and put on a cd.
start 28 days later to track 8 with the movie sound up a bit...amazing
i suppose this is a coming out, of sorts. heh.
yes folks, i too...like beck.
if you'll excuse me i'm going to go choke myself.
as far as how today goes, well...
fuck me, i'm weak.
--baby i'm a lost cause
band practice last night.
things were a bit rough at first because we haven't played in a few months
but god damn....
i haven't felt that good in forever.
we all had alot of pent up things to release, and i think we all did.
erik's convinced we're not 'tight enough' but screw him. heh (j/k man)
we got to rock a bit of the new stuff, and finally heard it amplified with our massive speakers as opposed to small headphones.
i have to say, and call me egotistical if you want, but you won't hear me pimping my own shit often,
i think that once we have it all put together with the whole band and vocals it's going to be amazing, mindblowing.
heavy, different, riffy in parts, stonerish, melodic breaks, slowdowns and speedups.
i'm proud of erik and i.
together, and with future input from the band we may have just made rock history.
fuck, what an amazing feeling.
now if we can just figure out how to get paid to do that all day every day...
life might actually have some meaning.
Can anybody stop this thing before my head explodes or my head starts to ring?
i'm so happy! life is great!
ha ha, april fools suckers.
the weather fits this feeling.
today's one of those days where the urge is just to give up on everything.
where you want to tell everyone you quit,
and your friends you hate them,
tell every girl you've ever sat and talked to that the only reason you did is that hopefully one day you'd get to fuck her.
even if it's not true.
see a smile and return a sneer.
wish ill will upon someone who probably cares.
show a pregnant lady just how worthless and painful her unborn childs life will become.
tell her fucking memory to get out of your head today, because she's been gone too long to bother with anymore.
she's done too much damage for a ghost.
such a recurring theme in life, for one who doesn't believe in the supernatural.
ghosts and demons.
maybe new words need to be assigned.
and the burst of anger subsides, as it always does
into a wash of sadness bursting these tainted vessels.
everything so foreign all the sudden, surrounded by five years familiarity.
look questioningly to the lights, to the machinery
but never anything but blurriness and the lead feeling in my chest.
more childhood memories
..things are so different now
when all i long for is sweet relief coursing headily through my veins.
count the tears compared to raindrops
crucified dreams and wasted time.
all is for naught.
--Oh no, I see
--The spider web is tangled up with me
--And I lost my head
--And thought of all the stupid things I'd said
today is day 8 of 30:
panic attack at work.
day spent trying to calm down enough to be human while getting paid to be a machine.
some well placed words helped me survive.
coffee with a friend.
music with erik. we finished another song. this one almost pushes 7 minutes.
thanks for your company, and thanks to your friend and wife for the cigs. i was going nuts.
..heh...i guess i still am.
the sigma's moving ever closer to rocking again, and harder this time.
a long drive home, a stop at the parents for some much needed sustenence.
still lost in the myriad corners, hiding behind mirrors.
i wish i would get the call i've been wanting to hear all day, but i don't suppose i will.
it's time to paint my dream before embarking on an even longer walk.
maybe i'll just keep going this time.
Reach and grasp beneath my skin. See my fate. Wreck a lifetime
today is a sickness.
stuck in limbo, unsure where to go or what to do
..or if i can even do anything.
took a long walk last night to clear my head
and ended up setting it afire with translucent memories, paranoia, and sadness.
i walked until everything hurt, at rapid pace
and when it all began to burn i sped up, walked further, following strange after dark paths i've never seen before.
but the demons caught up with me. they always do.
and the smell of the stream nearby, the cold air, dimly illuminated neighborhoods
brought my world to a crashing standstill.
i lost my self in such a rush of emotion i'm not sure i'll ever find it again.
so many things in this brain, chiseling away at the thin veil of humanity that's still left.
this day, it feels like the worst thing to wish on someone would be mere existence.
and i'm sober.
everything beyond my control, and i watch it all fall away from me in ruins.
failing at this moment like i've failed so miserably at everything else in my life.
my words meaningless. i can't define these things with evocative sounds.
i wonder, who am i?
not in that troubled teen, finding myself bullshit kind of way.
but who am i to exist?
what right have i to be here, and to try to touch, or be a part of peoples lives?
how fucking egotistical of me to think i could even talk to you, or look your direction.
:to look for one of those moments when everything just is.
but here i am, complaining about the ego that allows me to do those things
in a somewhat public forum.
because i'm human
and when it comes right down to it,
i'm pretty fucking stupid.
all i really ever wanted was to be happy.
and all i really ever seem to find is torment.
i slept about an hour last night.
don't usually dream, but i found my dream again.
the one that's haunted me since childhood.
that follows me like a monkey on my back.
it was in so much more detail this time.
heard the click, and felt the metal smack against my teeth, blasting them to dust.
then there was silence, darkness, and a momentary flash of aftermath. and all i could think was wow, what a mess.
maybe i'll paint it.
trembling near uncontrollably.
raging stomach, sore muscles, grinding teeth.
outside, i see the reflection of my eyes inside the glasses in the sun.
hollow, tired eyes.
that i can't seem to gloss over like the rest of my physicality.
--Once I sold my soul.
--That's one sweet regret.
i'm finally breathing
yesterday was my day off sobriety.
and i took full advantage of it.
it's really odd, but waking up with a hangover this morning was such a relief.
it was like returning to your own bed when you've been out for weeks.
when i awoke this morning (though, awoke might not be the right word..not sure i even slept.)
everything was beautiful and fragile.
i lay until the bodies in the room started becoming animated,
tried to lay very still to not disturb the warmth next to me.
when everyone got up i didn't talk much.
everything was so good that i just wanted to observe and feel.
our bleary-eyed tribe wandered to a coffee shop and sat outside.
i smoked too much, but the weather was nice..demanded it.
and right after i left i got a call that made me smile quite a while after it was over.
my car seemed to feel my mood and was running better than it has in months,
so i pushed my drive home from slc to a steady 100mph. something i havn't been comfortable doing in some time now.
all in all, today all seems right in the world.
great morning, beauty all around, ate a good lunch, now it's time for a short nap before visiting with my parents and my buddy orbert.
maybe try to talk my dad into accompanying me to a third viewing of dawn of the dead.
...because it's just that cool.
here comes the sap:
thank you so much, all you people in my life who inspire me, encourage me, help me out, just hang out, listen to me complain about everything,
the people who play music with me, make my life, take pictures for us, share beds with me, bum me smokes, share art, movies, music, post comments on here, etc..
i think i'm still a hermit at heart, but the people in my life are what keep me going these days.
i need you all and i'm so glad you're all here.
yeah, sappy, but it's true.
and i figure if i say it sober it might actually mean something to someone.
--i don't want you to get drunk, but uh that's a very fine chardonnay you're not drinking.