xstillbornx (xstillbornx) wrote,

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Reach and grasp beneath my skin. See my fate. Wreck a lifetime

today is a sickness.
stuck in limbo, unsure where to go or what to do
..or if i can even do anything.
took a long walk last night to clear my head
and ended up setting it afire with translucent memories, paranoia, and sadness.
i walked until everything hurt, at rapid pace
and when it all began to burn i sped up, walked further, following strange after dark paths i've never seen before.
but the demons caught up with me. they always do.
and the smell of the stream nearby, the cold air, dimly illuminated neighborhoods
brought my world to a crashing standstill.
i lost my self in such a rush of emotion i'm not sure i'll ever find it again.
so many things in this brain, chiseling away at the thin veil of humanity that's still left.
this day, it feels like the worst thing to wish on someone would be mere existence.
i'm tired
and i'm sober.
everything beyond my control, and i watch it all fall away from me in ruins.
failing at this moment like i've failed so miserably at everything else in my life.
my words meaningless. i can't define these things with evocative sounds.
i wonder, who am i?
not in that troubled teen, finding myself bullshit kind of way.
but who am i to exist?
what right have i to be here, and to try to touch, or be a part of peoples lives?
how fucking egotistical of me to think i could even talk to you, or look your direction.
:to look for one of those moments when everything just is.
but here i am, complaining about the ego that allows me to do those things
in a somewhat public forum.
because i'm human
and hypocritical
and when it comes right down to it,
i'm pretty fucking stupid.
all i really ever wanted was to be happy.
and all i really ever seem to find is torment.
i slept about an hour last night.
don't usually dream, but i found my dream again.
the one that's haunted me since childhood.
that follows me like a monkey on my back.
it was in so much more detail this time.
heard the click, and felt the metal smack against my teeth, blasting them to dust.
then there was silence, darkness, and a momentary flash of aftermath. and all i could think was wow, what a mess.
maybe i'll paint it.
suicide #5.
trembling near uncontrollably.
raging stomach, sore muscles, grinding teeth.
outside, i see the reflection of my eyes inside the glasses in the sun.
hollow, tired eyes.
that i can't seem to gloss over like the rest of my physicality.

--Once I sold my soul.
--That's one sweet regret.
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